#10 Query Corner: ‘Invisible Me’

Morgan Hazelwood,

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Answering Your Query Quandaries

INVISIBLE ME is a YA. When high school senior Ana’s genius best friend, Isaac, turns her invisible to save her from his kidnappers, she has seven days to rescue him or be invisible forever.

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NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

Overall Impression:

Fun story! Clear stakes.

There’s only a few things I would fix:

  • Agents are known for disliking rhetorical questions
  • Clarify who the characters are immediately
  • More specificity

The Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear [Agent Name],

When Ana turns invisible and Isaac is kidnapped, she has seven days to find him or be invisible forever. [Who is Issac to her? How old are these characters? How do we know she has 7 days? Did they give her a ransom note?] His abductors are after her next since she holds the key to invisibility. In her search for clues to Isaac’s whereabouts, she is surprised to discover a love note from him. Deciding on her own feelings will have to wait as she avoids the kidnappers’ traps, and the police who believe she’s responsible for Isaac’s disappearance.[Really? If she’s missing too, why don’t they think they ran off together? or she was taken as well?] Why does rookie cop Ben Cody, her crush from high school, act strange whenever she’s near? Is what she deciphered from Isaac’s notes true—that those who love her can see her? And if so, will Ben arrest her? Or will he help her in her mission, even if it means reuniting her with a romantic rival?[So many questions!]

INVISIBLE ME is a 64,000 YA about a high school senior who feels invisible. [Oh! Now I know what we’re dealing with.] When her feeling becomes reality, she finally attracts attention, but from the wrong people. [Spelling out morals can make agents think this is an ISSUE BOOK, rather than a story, that addresses certain issues. If it’s clear in the story, the story will speak for itself.] This book could sit on the shelf next to THE BLOOD BETWEEN US by Zac Brewer and OVERTURNED by Lamar Giles.

Q10

The Revised Query:

Dear [Agent Name],

When Ana spots her classmate-and-crush, Isaac, being shoved into a van, she finds herself safe, but invisible. Thanks to the ransom note, Ana learns she has seven days to find him or be invisible forever. His abductors are after her next since she holds Isaac’s key to invisibility.

As Ana desperately searches Isaac’s [locker/bedroom], she is surprised to discover, amongst the notes about the invisibility he’d been developing, a love note from him. The notes also claim Ana is only invisible to those who don’t love her. Unfortunately, the kidnappers have set out traps for her and the police think she’s a person-of-interest. And the rookie-cop on the case just happens to be Ben, her recently-graduated, former high school crush. Ben, who acts oddly when she’s spying nearby.

Time is running out. Ana must decide if she can trust Ben to help her rescue Isaac, or if he’ll simply arrest her.

INVISIBLE ME is a 64,000 YA about a high school senior who feelings of invisibility become a reality. INVISIBLE ME should appeal to fans of THE BLOOD BETWEEN US by Zac Brewer and OVERTURNED by Lamar Giles.

I write from the [location]. When not writing, you can find me [X] or [Y]. I am a member of [anything writing related? Nah, me neither. Although, I’m investigating the SCBWI ]

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[You!]

email
phone
twitter (if they’re that sort of agent)

My version didn’t quite mesh with her version of the story, but with a bit of back and forth, we’ve hammered out one we both are pretty pleased with.

Dear [Dream Agent],

When high school senior Ana’s genius best friend, Isaac, turns her invisible to save her from his kidnappers, she has seven days to rescue him or be invisible forever. His abductors are after her next, since she holds the key to invisibility. In her search for clues to Isaac’s whereabouts, she is surprised to discover a love note from him. Deciding on her own feelings will have to wait as she avoids the kidnappers’ traps and the police who believe she’s responsible for Isaac’s disappearance.

Rookie cop Ben, her crush from high school, acts strange whenever she’s near. Ana wonders if what she deciphered from Isaac’s notes is true—that those who love her can see her. She must decide whether or not to tell Ben her secret, not knowing if he’ll arrest her or help her in her mission, even if it means reuniting her with a romantic rival.

INVISIBLE ME is a 64,000 YA about Ana learning what she’s made of when it’s up to her to rescue not only herself, but also her best friend. This book should appeal to fans of THE BLOOD BETWEEN US by Zac Brewer and OVERTURNED by Lamar Giles.

[Insert Bio Paragraph.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q10

[contact info]

Don’t be afraid to go a couple rounds. Building off what you’ve edited last time can lead to some pretty amazing things.

Best of luck to Q10!

And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

Published by Morgan Hazelwood

Morgan Hazelwood (she/her) is a fantasy novelist who blogs and vlogs writing tips and writerly musings. She likes taking pictures of the sky, reading a good book, and ambiverting from her living room. She's also a voice for the fairy-tale audio drama: Anansi Storytime and its sister podcast: Legendsmith. She's been known to procrasti-clean her whole house and alphabetize other people's bookshelves.

11 Comments

  2. Hi Morgan,

    This is strange – from the email notice I got, below, it looked like you repeated last week’s query post. But when I actually clicked on it, it brought me to Invisible Me. Some sort of little glitch I guess…

    xox Ellie

    > Morgan S Hazelwood > March 27, 2018 at 8:06 AM > Morgan Hazelwood posted: “Welcome to: Morgan’s Query Corner: Answering > Your Query Quandaries INVISIBLE ME is a YA. When high school senior > Ana’s genius best friend, Isaac, turns her invisible to save her from > his kidnappers, she has seven days to rescue him or be invisible forev” >

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    1. Nope! I updated the Query number and teaser info, but forgot to change the Title. With a quick update, that was fixed at 8am, but a lot of the RSS feeds still have the old version.

      In my defense, I got to help a friend bottle-feed 3 hour old baby goats, last night.

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