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Morgan’s Query Corner:
Answering Your Query Quandaries
ART GIRL is a YA contemporary novel.
Locally-acclaimed teen artist Lillie Kang must overcome her anxiety to create the painting that could win the scholarship to her dream university.
NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.
[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]
Overall Impression:
Original:
Dear_____,
Seventeen-year-old Korean-American artist Lillie Kang has one more painting to do for the high school’s art contest. The winner gets a cash prize, and their work displayed in an art gallery. Everyone in school expects the ‘Art Girl’ to be the winner, and at home, her parents have even higher expectations. But there’s one problem: all the pressure has made her so anxious she’s lost all inspiration to paint anything good. [this entire paragraph is backstory]
Until she meets Zevi, the boy who saved his cousin in a fire, leaving him with vivid scars to prove it. Despite her crippling social anxiety, she opens herself up to Zevi as he tries to coax her out from her comfort zone. In a desperate attempt, she tries to paint him but fails because she doesn’t know what she wants to convey.
With an unemployed stepdad and a pregnant mom, Lillie is determined to win the cash prize but her overactive mind pushes away her friends. Then, she finds out that the gallery opened a scholarship opportunity for one of the participants to her dream university in the city. To achieve her goals, Lillie must learn to paint the scarred boy, and in the process discover who she is beyond her label as ‘Art Girl.’ With two days left to the deadline, Lillie must finish a painting, or she loses all chance for her future. [You have 2 different ‘must’ sentences’ in a row]
Art Girl is a young adult contemporary novel at 50,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Starfish and Since you asked. [BIO here].
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Q18
My Revision:
Dear [Agent],
With an unemployed stepdad and a pregnant mom, seventeen-year-old Korean-American artist, Lillie Kang, is determined to win the high school’s art contest, with its prize gallery showing–and its cash. Everyone at school thinks she’ll win. There‘s only one problem: all the pressure has made her so anxious she’s lost her inspiration.
When she meets Zevi, the boy who saved his cousin in a fire, leaving him with vivid scars to prove it, he tries to coax her out of her shell. Despite her crippling social anxiety, she lets down her walls and allows Zevi to talk her into painting him. The painting is a disaster.
Frustrated, Lillie pushes away her friends. But, two days before the deadline, she finds out that the gallery opened a scholarship opportunity for one of the participants to her dream university in the city. Lillie must paint the scarred boy, or allow her anxieties to take her art from her.
Art Girl is a young adult contemporary novel at 50,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Starfish and Since You Asked. [Bio]
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Q18
I think we’re going in the right direction. Best of luck to querest #18!
And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!
WRITING TIPS & WRITERLY MUSINGS 
Reblogged this on Viv Drewa – The Owl Lady.
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Looks like a good query. I agree with your notion, Morgan, that the book seems a little bit short.
Story-wise, I wonder: if an artist is under a great deal of pressure to win a prize, I don’t think she’d lose her “inspiration.” Rather, she’d be frozen with fear, afraid that whatever she’d produce wouldn’t be good enough. This isn’t quite the same thing as not having inspiration.
Ah, but that’s just me. 🙂
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I like seeing the before and after. Overall the after is much stronger and more likely to get me to read it.
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That’s the hope! Thanks for reading.
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