#25 Query Corner: NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN (“The Field Fox and the Foreigner”)

Welcome to:

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Fresh Eyes For Your Query Quandaries

NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN (“The Field Fox and the Foreigner”) is a YA contemporary fantasy.

In this modern retelling of Momotaro, Jin is sent to his aunt’s in Japan. Can he trust a shape-changing fox to protect him from the bullies–and save the island?

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

Overall Impression:

NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN (“The Field Fox and the Foreigner”) is coming into a market hungry for stories like this one.

I’m going to leave the query in this order, but know that some agents prefer the story to come first and the stats to come last.

A couple of things to think about:

  • 100,000 is a bit long for YA, even for a Fantasy, and may make it a harder sell.
  • Keep the background only as much as needed to set up stakes and goals for the main character.
  • You don’t need quotes to kick off the story portion of the query.

Querist’s Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name Here],

I am currently seeking representation for my young adult novel, NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN (aka “The Field Fox and the Foreigner” in English) [can just use the English translation], which is complete at 100,000 words [Hopefully not too long]. A stylized retelling of the popular Japanese fairy tale Momotaro, my novel is a witty, action-packed adventure similar to Rick Riordan’s series, Percy Jackson and the Olympians[GREAT comps]. With a diverse and colorful cast that will appeal to audiences across the gender and sexuality spectrum, NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN is a story about a reluctant hero in a modern world.

[<<unnecessary]Sixteen-year-old Jim Smith has always come second to his father’s career, so it’s no surprise when he’s sent away on a one-way flight to Toyohashi, Japan. Despite praying his Japanese features will help him blend in, Jim’s American roots make him an easy target for bullies. When a sympathetic shrine keeper offers him a bit of luck, he never expected Nogi. An eight-tailed fox who can shapeshift into a fiery young woman or a flirtatious young man, Nogi promises the impossible: a way to fit in. Despite the myths painting kitsune as untrustworthy tricksters, Jim believes in his new friend—but for how long?”

NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN was inspired by Japanese myths involving the sun goddess Amaterasu-ōkami and the first emperor of Japan, Jimmu-tennō. Although it was written as a standalone novel, there is potential to weave additional myths into the world if the story were continued. [a little clunky, there’s some standard wording for this.]

To summarize my related experience,[<<unneeded] I have a certificate in Japanese Studies specializing in mythology, history, culture, and language. Additionally, I have traveled to Japan to personally explore locations featured NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN. As one of the first students to study under [College] [Program] undergraduate program, I achieved a BFA degree in [Year] and currently work as a [Job] in [City], [State].

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. [<< Some agents find this line presumptious. I opt on the safe side and just skip it.]

Q25


My Revision:

Dear Agent,

I am currently seeking representation for my young adult fantasy, NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN (“The Field Fox and the Foreigner”), which is complete at 100,000 words. A stylized retelling of the popular Japanese fairy tale Momotaro, that should appeal to fans of Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson series. With a diverse and colorful cast that will appeal to audiences across the gender and sexuality spectrum, NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN is a story about a reluctant hero in a modern world.

Sixteen-year-old Jim Smith has always come second to his father’s career, so it’s no surprise when he’s sent away on a one-way flight to Toyohashi, Japan. Despite praying his Japanese features will help him blend in, Jim’s American roots make him an easy target for bullies. When a sympathetic shrine keeper offers him a bit of luck, he never expected Nogi: an eight-tailed fox who can shapeshift into a fiery young woman or a flirtatious young man, Nogi promises the impossiblea way to fit in. Despite the myths painting kitsune as untrustworthy tricksters, Jim must either trust his new friend or go it alone against the bullies.

NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN was inspired by Japanese myths involving the sun goddess Amaterasu-ōkami and the first emperor of Japan, Jimmu-tennō. Although it was written as a standalone novel, there is series potential.

I have a certificate in Japanese Studies specializing in mythology, history, culture, and language. Additionally, I have traveled to Japan to personally explore locations featured NOGITSUNE TO GAIJIN. I have a BFA degree in Creative Writing from [College] and currently work as a [Job] in [City], [State].

Yours Sincerely,

Q25

***

A great sounding fairy tale reimagining!

Best of luck to Q25!


And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

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#24 Query Corner: ‘PEACEKEEPER’

Welcome to:

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Fresh Eyes For Your Query Quandaries

PEACEKEEPER is a YA dystopian SF novel.

Eli must find the courage to stop his domineering adoptive father from ruthlessly taking over the Domain, even if Eli has to kill his own dad.

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

Overall Impression:

PEACEKEEPER sounds like a pretty solid story.

(I’m going to flip the order around due to personal preference, but some agents prefer it in your order — just remember to check before submitting.)

A couple of things to think about:

  • Dystopian is on a bit of a downswing, so depending on the tech level, it may be better to dub this either a Fantasy or a Science-Fiction novel.
  • Even if you don’t have any writer stats, you don’t have to say it’s your debut novel. If you don’t put in writer credentials, it’s assumed. Most agents want at least a tiny bio. I keep mine to 2 sentences.

Querist’s Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear Agent,

I am querying you as I feel that my novel, Peacekeeper, provides the strong relatable characters that you are searching for. The heart-wrenching nature of their trials and tribulations will have you praying for their success. [Some agents like to know exactly why you picked them to query. Others prefer a lighter touch. There are less clue-hammer ways of saying this.]

Peacekeeper is a 79,400 [round to the nearest 1,000] word Young Adult dystopian [don’t italicize and think about other categories. Dystopian’s in a bit of a downswing right now.]novel. The story revolves around the strong-willed Eli Luther. [THIS is where the query starts, don’t hide it in the stats paragraph >>] Eli has only wanted one thing for as long as can remember. The title of CommanderDominus: the most prestigious military role in the Domain. Standing in his way from achieving his life-long goal, is his jealous and ruthless adoptive father Tobias Luther. Who is prepared to do anything to keep Eli from the position and seize it for himself. No act is considered too heinous.

After an encounter with a mysterious girl and narrowly surviving an attempt on his life, Eli finds himself in league with a secret organisation. Trojan offers Eli the role of CommanderDominus, so long as he aids them in their fight for independence, and he assassinates Tobias. Now fuelled by a sense of responsibility and revenge, Eli joins Trojan.

As the covert war wages on, a plot is discovered to subject the entire Domain to a ruthless iron-fist dictatorship under Tobias’ rule. With the freedom of the Domain hanging in the balance, Eli prepares to go to war to defend his new home.

Peacekeeper is my debut novel [This should be obvious because you’re not listing your other works, but don’t emphasize your inexperience.] I believe it has strong potential to be expanded into a larger series but reads just as well as a standalone book. [There’s a smoother phrase that’s standardly accepted for this.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope to hear from you. [The QueryShark finds the ‘hope to hear from you’ a bit like nails on a chalkboard. It might not offend the agent you’re querying, but I opt to leave it off, rather than potentially annoy an agent.]

Yours sincerely,

Q24


My Revision:

Dear Agent,

To escape his repressive adoptive household, 17-year-old Eli Luther decides to seek training to become the Commander Dominus–leader of the Domain’s military. Then his adoptive father, Tobias, takes the role for himself and blocks all of Eli’s attempts to any position. [This implies the jealousy and ambition without spelling it out.]

After narrowly surviving an attempt on his life, Eli is rescued by Trojan. [I dropped the girl because she was never mentioned again. Name as few characters as possible during a query.] As the leader of an underground organization seeking to oust Tobias due to his war-atrocities, Trojan offers Eli the role of Commander Dominus. To earn the title, Eli must aid their fight for independence and succeed where so many others have failed–by assassinating Tobias. Fueled by a sense of responsibility and the need for revenge, Eli agrees.

When Tobias’s plot to become the Domain’s own dictator is uncovered, Eli knows the domain doesn’t have much time left. Eli must face his fears of becoming a monster like Tobias by killing his own adoptive father or allow the entire Domain to fall under Tobias’s ruthless control.

PEACEKEEPER is a YA science-fiction novel, complete at 79,000 words with series potential. A strong-willed character, Eli should appeal to readers who’ve dealt with oppressive authorities and wished they could do something about it. [This adds the ‘strong and relatable’ note, hopefully without you feeling like it’s awkward pandering]. I write from [A PLACE] and [have a degree]. I enjoy [hobbying] in my rare free time.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

Q23

***

I think we’ve ended up somewhere a little easier to read while avoiding spelling things out for the agent.

Best of luck to Q24!


And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

#23 Query Corner: ‘NAVIGATING NESSA’

Welcome to:

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Fresh Eyes For Your Query Quandaries

NAVIGATING NESSA is a YA contemporary.

After her father’s death, Nessa struggled to gain control over her anxiety. When she falls for the new boy, her control slips and she sinks into the hardcore party scene. Now, Nessa must find the strength to reach out for help, before she destroys her future and the respect of those that matter most to her.

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

This querist sent me their old version and their new version, with worries that they were getting worse, not better. So, with a quick overview, I was happy I was able to soothe those fears.

Overall Impression:

The querist was told to add specificity and, as is natural, started to make the query a little too synopsis-like.

We all do it. *Morgan shoves her own query letter drafts version 4-7 behind her*

Things to think about

  1. Specificity doesn’t need all the backstory.
  2. Specificity doesn’t need to be long, keep it under 250 if possible, under 300 words always.

Querist’s Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear Agent,

Nessa Walker is finally getting to a healthy place six months after her dad’s unexpected death. Yoga, romance books, time spent lying in the tub — she’s got coping covered. She even drums up enough courage to try out for the dance team, believing that if she makes the cut, it will be enough of a distraction to pull herself out from under that blanket of sadness once and for all. Then she meets Tanner.

Tanner’s everything Nessa isn’t — artistic, laid-back, and his prowess on the football field makes him instantly popular in a town that shuts down every time their high school has a home game. He’s also made it clear that his next goal is finding a way to know Nessa.

But Nessa isn’t an easy girl to know. There’s a reason most guys steer clear of her, an anxiety about her that she struggled with even before her dad’s death. Tanner could be the swoon-worthy epic romance she’s been waiting for, or the complication that finally forces her over the edge.

NAVIGATING NESSA is a Young Adult Contemporary novel with romantic elements complete at 65,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Q23


Querist’s Revision:

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year old Nessa Walker is well-acquainted with panic. It’s followed her around since elementary school, and she’s learned the best way to keep it at bay is to not think about the things that scare her. Like her dad’s recent death, for example. She has many distractions in place, including trying out for the dance team with her best friend and spending time under her favorite old oak tree that she visits every chance she gets. All she wants is a normal junior year.

Then Tanner moves to town. [THIS is where the story starts] He’s everything Nessa isn’t – artistic, laid-back, and his prowess on the football field makes him instantly popular in a town that shuts down every time the high school has a home game. He’s also made it clear that his next goal is to get to know Nessa. As their attraction to each other grows, Nessa’s anxiety gets worse. It becomes increasingly difficult for her to hide her problem from Tanner, and her best friend is suddenly MIA, having found her own boyfriend to swoon over.

Nessa begins to look for distraction in more destructive places, turning to a new friend group bent on dangerous stunts and wild parties. It’s enough to keep her panic at bay, but Nessa’s behavior starts to alienate everyone around her, isolating her from her friends and family, not to mention Tanner.

If Nessa can come up for air long enough to get the help she needs and take advantage of her support system, she might just get the year she’s hoping for, and even the guy. If she continues on her dangerous path, she might just lose herself.

NAVIGATING NESSA is a Contemporary YA novel complete at 65,000 words. It’s told in a tone comparable to AWKWARD meets THE DUFF.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Q23


***

My Revision:

Dear Agent,

Nessa Walker is finally getting to a healthy place six months after her dad’s unexpected death. Yoga, romance books, time spent lying in the tub — she’s got coping covered. She even drums up enough courage to try out for the dance team, convinced that if she makes the cut, it will be enough of a distraction to pull herself out from under that blanket of sadness once and for all. Then she meets Tanner.

Tanner’s everything Nessa isn’t — artistic, laid-back, and his prowess on the football field makes him instantly popular in a town that shuts down every time their high school has a home game. He’s also made it clear that his next goal is finding a way to know Nessa.

As their attraction grows, Nessa’s anxiety spins back out of control and the party-crowd seems like the place to forget her anxiety. Soon, her partying grows out of control and her new friends egg her on to join their dangerous drunken stunts. If Nessa can’t find a way to face her anxiety head on, she’s going to alienate her real friends, flunk out, and lose the respect of the one guy she can’t stop thinking about.

NAVIGATING NESSA is a Young Adult Contemporary novel with romantic elements complete at 65,000 words. I write from [City, State]. When not writing, you can find me [having a hobby].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q23

Still long, but the details are there– the inciting incident, the ‘bad guy’ (her own darker impulses and anxiety), and the goal (win the boy, and regain a healthy mental balance).

Best of luck to Q23! (And Nessa)


And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

#22 Query Corner: ‘MIRADEN’S FOLLY’

Welcome to:

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Answering Your Query Quandaries

MIRADEN’S FOLLY is a YA fantasy.

When the devilish ashenkin steal the wrong child, Miraden, a young ranger, volunteers to rescue the chieftain’s younger daughter. All he wants is to earn her big sister’s favor. What he gets is a lot more complicated.

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

Overall Impression:

Nice elven fantasy! The query has got the formatting and pacing just right!

Things to think about

  1. Make sure you’re not making the women sound like McGuffins – objects to be won. Be sure to emphasize their agency or you’ve got a bad 80s RomCom.
  2. If you have 2 main characters, give them each a paragraph! (if you have more is where it gets tricky)

Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear Agent,

Aspiring ranger, Miraden is in love with Ceychell, the chieftain’s daughter. After she turns him down for the millionth time, he nearly loses hope. But when her sister Kyradel–who adores Miraden–is abducted in the night by ashenkin, Miraden jumps at the opportunity to save her in hopes to gain Ceychell’s favor. [Oh! Here’s the inciting incident!] 

Miraden sends letters back to Ceychell accounting his journeys and affection. [Is the story partially epistolary? That can be a selling point] Ceychell continues to reject his love, but as she finally understands her true feelings for him, it transforms her from a cold bitter teenager into a young leader taking her father’s place as village chieftain [Really? His love is the catalyst? Not her own growing up?]. Despite her efforts to return letters to Miraden, they fail to reach him. 

Once Miraden is on the verge of closing an Ashengate and rescuing Kyradel, he loses focus of his original quest to earn Ceychell’s favor and is left with bitter resolve. He rescues Kyradel and on the journey home, he realizes he’s falling for a companion who has accompanied him on his quest.   [Whoops! The first 3 times I read this, I thought that he’d gone solo, and was falling for Kyradel. Just realized it was a group adventure] Just before returning to his village, he receives a love letter from Ceychell and is left with a choice: embrace the woman he’s loved his entire life, or continue to battle the ashenkin with his new love interest [Love interest? She doesn’t get a description of her own?]. 

Miraden’s Folly is a YA Fantasy novel professionally at 85k words [‘professionally’ is assumed] with potential for series [not quite proper English].   

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q22


My Revision:

Dear Agent,

When Miraden volunteers to help rescue the chieftain’s younger daughter, Kyradel, from the ashenkin that abducted her, his priority is gaining the favor of her big sister, Ceychell. The [describe them a little: humanoid/monstrous/cultists] ashenkin recognize the value of their hostage. As the rescue party journeys, Miraden sends letters back to Ceychell accounting his journeys and affection.

At first, Ceychell is only concerned with her sister’s loss, ignoring the emotional comments in Miraden’s letters. As she steps up at home to help her father run the village [maybe be more explicit? starts to sit on her father’s council/steps up to help with harvest, since so much of the village is off to rescue her sister/helps deal with the aftermath of the growing ashenkin attacks], she begins to value the skills and care Miraden put, not only into the village but is using to save her sister. Realizing her feelings have shifted, she writes back to let him know that his advances are finally not only welcome but encouraged. 

Miraden is disheartened by Ceychell’s silence, but nothing will prevent his rescue of Kyradel, who has always been fond of him [cut this subordinate clause if Kyradel isn’t the love interest]. On the journey home, Miraden realizes he’s falling for the rescue party’s [other ranger/warrior]. Days out from the village, Ceychell’s letter finally reaches him. Miraden is forced to choose: embrace the woman he’s loved his entire life, or continue to battle the ashenkin with the [warrior/ranger] who’s always had his back. 

Miraden’s Folly is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 85,000 words with series potential. [Any comps? Either books it’s similar to, or authors?] I write from the [Blah blah, area]. When not writing, you can find me [interesting tidbit.] 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q22


***

I clearly still had a lot of unanswered questions in that draft! I just plain didn’t know enough about the story, so Q22 wrote back, with their new version!

 

Dear Agent,

The devilish ashenkin keep parents awake each night as children continue to disappear. Young ranger Miraden volunteers to rescue the chieftain’s daughter, Kyradel, from the ashenkin to gain favour of her sister, Ceychell.  As the rescue party journeys, Miraden sends letters back to Ceychell accounting his adventure and affection.

At first, Ceychell is consumed with grief and ignores the emotional recounts of Miraden’s letters. As she rises to her own challenges, she begins to value Miraden’s lasting impact, not only on the village but the hero he reluctantly is becoming. Realizing her feelings have rekindled, she makes every effort to return letters, but each effort is thwarted.

Miraden grows bitter from Ceychell’s silence, but his mission remains true and when his party storms the ashengate, he rescues Kyradel. On the voyage home, Miraden realizes he’s falling for a mage in his party. Days out from the village, Ceychell’s most heartfelt letter finally reaches him. Miraden is forced to choose: embrace the woman he’s loved his entire life or continue to battle the ashenkin with the mage who’s had his back and shares his new affection.

Since you represented [BOOK], I thought you might be interested in this book since, like [CHARACTER], Miraden is an unlikely hero in a fast-paced adventure with high stakes and unexpected transformation. Miraden’s Folly is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 85,000 words with a series potential. Large tech companies such as NetApp have published 18 technical whitepapers/expert blogs I’ve written in the past year. I live in [CITY] with my wife and daughter.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q22


***

But then it started to get a little long. So, we had another couple passes and this is where we ended up.

Dear [AGENT]

When the devilish ashenkin steal the chieftain’s daughter to be one of their sacrificial children, Miraden a young ranger, volunteers to help rescue her. Hoping to gain the favour of her sister, Ceychell, he sends letters to Ceychell recounting both the rescue party’s adventures and his great devotion for her personally.

At first, Ceychell is consumed with grief and resents the affectionate content of Miraden’s letters. As she rises to aid her grief-stricken parents in their duties, she starts to value not only Miraden’s lasting impact in her village but also the hero he’s becoming. Accepting her growing fondness, Ceychell tries her best to reply to his letters, but is continually thwarted.

Bitter at Ceychell’s silence, Miraden nonetheless stays true to his mission. When his party storms the ashengate, he’s the one who rescues Ceychell’s sister. On the voyage home, Miraden and the group’s mage grow close. Then, days out from the village, Ceychell’s most heartfelt letter finally reaches him. Now, Miraden is forced to choose: battle the ashenkin with the mage who’s had his back and shares his growing affections, or abandon her to embrace his childhood crush.

Since you represented [AUTHOR]’s [TITLE], I thought you might be interested in this book since, like [CHARACTER], Miraden is an unlikely hero in a fast-paced adventure with high stakes and unexpected transformation. Miraden’s Folly is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 85,000 words with a series potential. I’m also a technical writer, having had 18 white papers and expert blog posts published by large tech companies, such as NetApp, within the past year. I live in [CITY], [STATE] with my wife and daughter.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q22

 

Still long, but not too long and with a decent amount of personalization left.
Best of luck to Q22!


And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

#21 Query Corner: ‘THE WINGS OF OBORIO’

Welcome to:

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Answering Your Query Quandaries

THE WINGS OF OBORIO is a fantasy.

After his father destroys a witch’s forest, Prince Braun and his new bride, Princess Martiel must learn to trust each other if they want to end the witch’s curse to save their future children and their kingdoms, and forge a lasting partnership.

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

Overall Impression:

It sounds like a good story and a solid fairy tale. One of my favorite genres!

Things to think about

  1. Make sure female main/secondary characters have agency. If she’s a POV character, we’re gonna have to switch one of the paragraphs to focus on her side of the story.
  2. What does the Prince WANT? (What stands in his way– I think you’ve got that half)
  3. Specificity should replace standard lines. You need to show how your novel is DIFFERENT, not how it follows the formula.
  4. Remember to sell one book at a time. You can say it has ‘series potential’, but make sure it can stand on its own.

Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear Agent,

While Prince Braun hunts in the enchanted Dunslach wood [is he supposed to be here?], he stumbles across the mysterious Princess [cliche. Does she have any agency?] Martiel. The beautiful girl stops him in his tracks, and both of their worlds are turned upside down [give specifics!].

When Braun returns home, his father, the king, orders him to marry a stranger—and to his surprise and delight, it’s Martiel. [Is this unexpected? Maybe something more like ‘announces his betrothal. To Princess Martiel. Braun can’t believe his luck.] when [too many whens…] a witch attacks Braun on his way to the betrothal ceremony. She vows revenge for the destruction of her forest by cursing the couple’s offspring [WHAT?! We were just hunting there]. Braun’s father is responsible for the carnage, [wait. Why? And when did this happen?] but Braun and Martiel will pay for it.

Braun and Martiel are wed, and they struggle with their new marriage, the curse, and a race against time herself, a goddess called Etunima, to save Martiel’s homeland Oborio. [And… here’s a quick synopsis.] But their friends help them understand what it means to love each other, for better or worse.


THE WINGS OF OBORIO is an 81,000-word fantasy novel and the first in a planned trilogy [The book HAS to be able to stand alone. You can mention it has series potential, though].

I am a wife to X, mom to Y(two years old), and dog-mom of two crazy Labradors (A and B) [normally, I’d suggest cutting this. Who are you to yourself, not your family, but…] from the small, town of TOWN, STATE. I graduated from COLLEGE with a Bachelor’s in Literature with a minor in Religious Studies [relevant major, gets to stay].  The real inspiration for this series came after passing of my first child, Z, who would be three now. [BAM. Why your family and Son’s age are relevant.]

Sincerely,

Q21


My Revision:

Dear Agent,

Avoiding his father’s political games, Prince Braun braves the enchanted Dunslach wood to hunt its magical game, but the lonely romantic finds something far better. A beautiful girl [doing something interesting-climbing trees, playing with animals, swimming, gathering herbs] who claims to be the Princess Martiel. Entranced, Braun spends the [day/week] walking and talking with her.

When Braun returns home, his father, the king, announces his betrothal to the Princess of Oborio–Martiel. Braun can’t believe his luck. To prepare for the wedding, his father [orders his men to destroy Dunslach, to remove the border between the two kingdoms]. As Braun rides to Oborio for the betrothal, a now-homeless witch of Dunslach bars his way and curses his offspring [to die? to be bears? what sort of curse?].

 Braun and Martiel are wed, but romance and marriage are two different beasts. The lovers must learn to trust each other if they want to save their future children, keep [X] from destroying Oborio, and forge a lasting partnership.

THE WINGS OF OBORIO is an 81,000-word fantasy novel and has series potential.

I live in the small town of TOWN, STATE with my husband, X, two-year-old son, Y, and two crazy Labradors. I graduated from COLLEGE with a Bachelor’s in Literature with a minor in Religious Studies.  The real inspiration for this series came after passing of my first child, Z, who would be three now.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q21


 

Now that the reader knows that Muriel’s got her agency and what the stakes are, with a few tweaks to add more specificity–making sure the story’s unique features are accentuated, I think this query will be ready for action!

Best of luck to Q21!


And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!