#12 Query Corner: ‘GLASS’

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Answering Your Query Quandaries

GLASS is a YA fantasy. This Cinderella retelling begins after the ball. The glass-maker’s niece and a reformed playboy prince plot to end their engagement is paused when a plague starts sweeping the nation.

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

girl-lavender-cos-flowers-160555.jpeg

Overall Impression:

I love retellings and this sounds like a fun one.
There are a few things I’d tweak:
  • Start with ‘Dear’, end with ‘Thank you for your time and consideration.’
  • Cut down on some of the backstory
  • Your query is actually a bit short! Not too short, agents don’t mind you getting straight to the point. BUT, you do have space if you want to expand upon that disease and the prince’s past (any children?) if you’d like
  • Does Charles end up with Collin? Does Sabine? If not, he’s only mentioned once in the query and should be either cut or expanded upon.

Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Hello _________,  [‘Dear’ is usually expected]

Based on your interest in _________, I would like to introduce my Cinderella re-telling: Glass. It is an 87,000-word young adult fantasy novel. Glass looks at the ending of Cinderella, and turns it into a story not about love at first sight, but the power of politics and friendship. [You don’t need to say what the story is about, the query should explain it]

Glass, begins after the ball. Sabine grew up in the shadow of the castle, but she never dreamed of royalty. She doesn’t even bother herself with the rumors surrounding Prince Charles’ true love. All she wants is to somehow find a loophole in the law that keeps her from inheriting her uncle’s glass shop. [I read this twice, at 1st thinking she did NOT want to inherit the shop] But a pair of hand-made glass shoes and a rumor of true love accidently plunges Sabine into the world of castle politics. Thrown into an engagement that neither of them wants Sabine and the prince, along with Charles’ childhood friend Collin, attempt to prove that Charles is no longer a playboy who needs to be tied down, but a leader who is respected by his people. But, as an unexplained disease threatens the country, loyalties are questioned, and the prince’s less than stellar past comes to light, the attempt to get out of the marriage and the state of the country looks bleak.

I attended [X] University and graduated with a BA in English with a Creative Writing emphasis. I currently work as a high school English and Creative Writing teacher in [X], [State]. Thank you for taking the time to read this expert from Glass, and I would be delighted to send you the completed manuscript if you request more. [The QueryShark claims this is presumptuous and suggests just saying “thank you for your time and consideration”.]

Q12


The Revised Query:

Dear [Agent Name],

Based on your interest in _________, I would like to introduce my Cinderella re-telling: GLASS. It is an 87,000-word young adult fantasy novel.

GLASS begins after the ball. When Sabine went to the castle to find a way around the law preventing her from inheriting her uncle’s glass shop, she never expected to end up engaged. Forced to play politics to get out of the engagement, Sabine and Prince Charles attempt to prove that Charles is no longer a playboy, but a respectable leader. But, as an unexplained disease ravages the countryside, loyalties are questioned, and the prince’s less-than-stellar past comes to light, the odds of both ending the engagement and the state of the country itself look bleak.

I attended [X] University and graduated with a BA in English with a Creative Writing emphasis. I currently work as a high school English and Creative Writing teacher in [x] state.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 Sincerely,

[You!]

email
phone
twitter (if they’re that sort of agent)


With a few tweaks, the plot really shines through! Decide if you need to add a sentence about that best friend and…

Best of luck to Q12!


And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

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10 thoughts on “#12 Query Corner: ‘GLASS’

  1. Very nice query! I just have one tiny suggestion. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to NOT call him “Prince Charles,” since there already IS an actual Prince Charles in England, as we speak? Could be a bit confusing.

    Liked by 1 person

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