#20 Query Corner: ‘MARTIANS, EXES, AND REBELS’

Morgan Hazelwood

Welcome to:

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Answering Your Query Quandaries

[MARTIANS, EXES, AND REBELS] is an SF romance.

Working with his ex is the only way for Jack to stop the Martian rebels from destroying the colony. Now, if only he could find her.

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

Overall Impression:

This sounds like a fun, adventure romp! I love the politics and exes.
– You’re falling into the standard habit of summarizing all the action high-points
– Remember to give us the main character’s wants, goals, and obstacles

Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear [Agent Lastname],

Jack’s former lover Ellen walks back into his life seeking his help, not his heart. After they prevent delivery of an unregistered nuclear weapon to the Martian rebellion, Ellen disappears. To find her Jack must confront rebel assassins, Ellen’s new love interest, inexorable orbital mechanics and an AI programmed to stop him, hoping to rekindle their relationship and save the Martian settlement. [This reads like a blurb — a teaser. We need to give the main character a voice and motivations.]

[Summary]

[Bio]

 

Sincerely,

Q20

My Revision:

 Dear Ms/Mr Agent,

When Jack’s former lover Ellen shows up, he’s more than happy to help her prevent the delivery of an unregistered nuclear weapon to the Martian rebellion. But, then she disappears again.

As he searches for her, Jack confronts rebel assassins, Ellen’s new lover, and an AI programmed to stop him. If Jack can’t find her in time, not only will he be unable to rekindle their romance, but the rebels might destroy the Martian settlement, once and for all. [Here’s what’s at stake!]

TITLE is an X,000-word science-fiction romance that should appeal to fans of [Something] or [Other].

I write from [a place]. When not writing, you can find me [doing the thing] or [the other thing].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Q20

Now we’ve got the inciting incident, the main character’s drive, and all the things that stand in his way. Let’s see if agents like the sound of it!

Best of luck to Q20!

And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

 

Published by Morgan Hazelwood

Morgan Hazelwood (she/her) is a fantasy novelist who blogs and vlogs writing tips and writerly musings. She likes taking pictures of the sky, reading a good book, and ambiverting from her living room. She's also a voice for the fairy-tale audio drama: Anansi Storytime and its sister podcast: Legendsmith. She's been known to procrati-clean her whole house and alphabetize other people's bookshelves.

6 Comments

  2. Great job on the revision!

    One little comment re the story: It’s really hard to suspend my disbelief when a story talks about a “Martian rebellion” – since we’ve barely discovered bacteria living there. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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