Welcome to:

Morgan’s Query Corner:

Answering Your Query Quandaries

MIRADEN’S FOLLY is a YA fantasy.

When the devilish ashenkin steal the wrong child, Miraden, a young ranger, volunteers to rescue the chieftain’s younger daughter. All he wants is to earn her big sister’s favor. What he gets is a lot more complicated.

Overall Impression:

---

Original:

Dear Agent,

Aspiring ranger, Miraden is in love with Ceychell, the chieftain’s daughter. After she turns him down for the millionth time, he nearly loses hope. But when her sister Kyradel–who adores Miraden–is abducted in the night by ashenkin, Miraden jumps at the opportunity to save her in hopes to gain Ceychell’s favor. [Oh! Here’s the inciting incident!] 

Miraden sends letters back to Ceychell accounting his journeys and affection. [Is the story partially epistolary? That can be a selling point] Ceychell continues to reject his love, but as she finally understands her true feelings for him, it transforms her from a cold bitter teenager into a young leader taking her father’s place as village chieftain [Really? His love is the catalyst? Not her own growing up?]. Despite her efforts to return letters to Miraden, they fail to reach him. 

Once Miraden is on the verge of closing an Ashengate and rescuing Kyradel, he loses focus of his original quest to earn Ceychell’s favor and is left with bitter resolve. He rescues Kyradel and on the journey home, he realizes he’s falling for a companion who has accompanied him on his quest.   [Whoops! The first 3 times I read this, I thought that he’d gone solo, and was falling for Kyradel. Just realized it was a group adventure] Just before returning to his village, he receives a love letter from Ceychell and is left with a choice: embrace the woman he’s loved his entire life, or continue to battle the ashenkin with his new love interest [Love interest? She doesn’t get a description of her own?]. 

Miraden’s Folly is a YA Fantasy novel professionally at 85k words [‘professionally’ is assumed] with potential for series [not quite proper English].   

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q22

My Revision:

---

***

I clearly still had a lot of unanswered questions in that draft! I just plain didn’t know enough about the story, so Q22 wrote back, with their new version!

 

Dear Agent,

The devilish ashenkin keep parents awake each night as children continue to disappear. Young ranger Miraden volunteers to rescue the chieftain’s daughter, Kyradel, from the ashenkin to gain favour of her sister, Ceychell.  As the rescue party journeys, Miraden sends letters back to Ceychell accounting his adventure and affection.

At first, Ceychell is consumed with grief and ignores the emotional recounts of Miraden’s letters. As she rises to her own challenges, she begins to value Miraden’s lasting impact, not only on the village but the hero he reluctantly is becoming. Realizing her feelings have rekindled, she makes every effort to return letters, but each effort is thwarted.

Miraden grows bitter from Ceychell’s silence, but his mission remains true and when his party storms the ashengate, he rescues Kyradel. On the voyage home, Miraden realizes he’s falling for a mage in his party. Days out from the village, Ceychell’s most heartfelt letter finally reaches him. Miraden is forced to choose: embrace the woman he’s loved his entire life or continue to battle the ashenkin with the mage who’s had his back and shares his new affection.

Since you represented [BOOK], I thought you might be interested in this book since, like [CHARACTER], Miraden is an unlikely hero in a fast-paced adventure with high stakes and unexpected transformation. Miraden’s Folly is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 85,000 words with a series potential. Large tech companies such as NetApp have published 18 technical whitepapers/expert blogs I’ve written in the past year. I live in [CITY] with my wife and daughter.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q22

---

***

But then it started to get a little long. So, we had another couple passes and this is where we ended up.

Dear [AGENT]

When the devilish ashenkin steal the chieftain’s daughter to be one of their sacrificial children, Miraden a young ranger, volunteers to help rescue her. Hoping to gain the favour of her sister, Ceychell, he sends letters to Ceychell recounting both the rescue party’s adventures and his great devotion for her personally.

At first, Ceychell is consumed with grief and resents the affectionate content of Miraden’s letters. As she rises to aid her grief-stricken parents in their duties, she starts to value not only Miraden’s lasting impact in her village but also the hero he’s becoming. Accepting her growing fondness, Ceychell tries her best to reply to his letters, but is continually thwarted.

Bitter at Ceychell’s silence, Miraden nonetheless stays true to his mission. When his party storms the ashengate, he’s the one who rescues Ceychell’s sister. On the voyage home, Miraden and the group’s mage grow close. Then, days out from the village, Ceychell’s most heartfelt letter finally reaches him. Now, Miraden is forced to choose: battle the ashenkin with the mage who’s had his back and shares his growing affections, or abandon her to embrace his childhood crush.

Since you represented [AUTHOR]’s [TITLE], I thought you might be interested in this book since, like [CHARACTER], Miraden is an unlikely hero in a fast-paced adventure with high stakes and unexpected transformation. Miraden’s Folly is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 85,000 words with a series potential. I’m also a technical writer, having had 18 white papers and expert blog posts published by large tech companies, such as NetApp, within the past year. I live in [CITY], [STATE] with my wife and daughter.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q22

 

Still long, but not too long and with a decent amount of personalization left.
Best of luck to Q22!

---

And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!