#27 Query Corner: PREDESTINED

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Morgan’s Query Corner:

Fresh Eyes For Your Query Quandaries

PREDESTINED is a contemporary fantasy set in a magic school.

When Evie’s crush, Justin, offers to use his dark magic to help unlock her magic, she’s horrified. Now, the race is on for her to master her magic before the darkness consumes Justin.

NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.

[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]

Overall Impression:

PREDESTINED sounds like a solid magic school fantasy.

A couple of things to think about:

  • The ‘clumsy’ girl is a bit of an overdone trope at this point. I’d skip using it in the query.
  • Give details – keeping things vague show how you’re like your genre, details show how you’re different.
  • Focus on the stakes more than world building.

Querist’s Original:

[my comments are in blue/italics/brackets]

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name Here],

Evie, a clumsy sixteen-year-old, is finally selected for something! Invited to train in the safety of Haven High, a special facility for the supernaturally gifted, Evie travels into a pocket dimension near her hometown in North Carolina. James Cabot, whose icy blue eyes have distracted her since… forever, can control fire, but no matter how hard Evie tries to coax her unknown power into being, it remains unresponsive. Evie finds some comfort in the warrior angels that train her, but absolutely nothing in her life prepared her to fight the things that fill the night.

Just as her fear and frustration are at their height, she finds out that she is the key to keeping the balance while evil fights to overpower the light. Hoping her first date with James will spark her power and change her luck, Evie follows him to an abandoned part of campus.  To her horror, he attempts to coerce her into abandoning the light, joining him, and forsake her destiny as the balance keeper. Just as she begins to understand her own gift over the air, Evie launches a battle against James and all of darkness, quickly discovering that true power isn’t manipulating flames, water, earth, or wind, but in mankind’s ability to choose.

As Evie’s new team of classmates and sentinels gather to face off against evil itself, the balance teeters towards destruction and eternal darkness.  Evie must learn to effectively weaponize air in time to keep the balance and rescue James from becoming a slave to darkness.

PREDESTINED is a 70,000-word fantasy novel.

When I’m not writing, I’m [job] in [place].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Q27


My Revision:

Dear Agent,

Evie is finally chosen for something! Invited to train as a sophomore at Haven High, a special facility for the magically gifted, Evie travels into a pocket dimension near her hometown. To her surprise, James Calbot, the boy with the icy-blue eyes that she’s been infatuated with forever, is a student.

Evie’s excitement quickly turns to dejection when her gifts refuse to manifest. When James invites her on a date, Evie thinks her luck’s about to change. Instead, James offers to help reveal her gift using methods born of darkness. Evie refuses and James quickly loses control of his flames.

Seeing Evie burned, James is overwrought with guilt and shame, and allows the darkness to consume him.  When Evie can’t find him, she becomes determined to rescue him, launching a rescue attempt on her own. When Evie discovers James’s plans to make her queen over all darkness, Evie finally understands the danger she has been in. Now Evie must learn to effectively wield her gift if she’s going to save her brother Tristan before he’s sacrificed.

Predestined is a fantasy novel set in North Carolina and is complete at 70,000 words.

When I’m not writing, I am teaching 6th-grade middle school English in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

PREDESTINED is a 70,000-word fantasy novel.

When I’m not writing, I’m [job] in [place].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

Q27

 

A creepy sounding magical high school adventure–full of consequences and stakes!

Best of luck to Q27!


And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!

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