NaNoWriMo Broke My Will Power Save

My executive function is completely broken, destroyed, and shattered. I know it’s completely my fault, and yet I’m doing absolutely nothing to stop it. I mean, stopping would take executive function. So, there’s a pretty catch 22. I’ve been churning out 1,667 words a day — about 6 pages, every night all month long, and about two weeks into November, I kinda broke. It is taking so much energy, focus, and motivation to get my words in that I have absolutely no will power left to resist… myself. NaNoWriMo has completely broken my will power save.

Google says that executive function affects your working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control. It’s the ability to think about what you need to get done, think through the steps, and then implement them. It’s the weighing of your needs versus your wants.

I’ve talked before about my ADHD diagnosis last year, and even before that, about my struggles with executive dysfunction. This month? Instead of plotting my next steps in my book, instead of really focusing on my manuscript? I’m getting my words in and binge reading gay romances until ridiculous hours of the night. Like 42 books this month, not including rereading at least 3 of them multiple times. Sometimes on work nights.

While I’ve definitely had months where I wanted to binge read, it’s never coincided with NaNoWriMo before, and I’ve never done it to this degree before — forsaking this much sleep, so frequently.

This month, I’ve definitely been snacking hard and my daily step count has almost always hit quadruple digits. Except, I can hit 1,000 steps in 10 minutes on a brisk walk. So, that’s not really saying much.

I know it’s not healthy, I know it’s not good or sustainable, and I even considered stopping NaNoWriMo to see if I could reset. But, I don’t know that it would help. I’m doing everything I “have” to do — for NaNo, dayjob, and meals. I probably should reach out to my therapist again, but she switched practices and my registration links turned off after 2 weeks. Seriously, why do those things expire so quickly? Especially when you’re dealing people who struggle with executive dysfunction.

This is my 10th NaNoWriMo attempt — and win since my first win in 2013, and I haven’t missed a day of hitting par since before 2019. My ADHD brain hates ruining a streak, and is definitely an all-or-nothing sort of brain. So, while I’ve told myself that this year, I might need to take a break, I might be forcing something that will turn out to be a hot mess… I kept at it.

Of course, the story isn’t going be finished, because 200 pages isn’t a full length novel these days, especially in science-fiction. But, I am enjoying the story I’m writing, and there are scenes that make me laugh out loud. It’s way more action-y adventure than anything I’ve written before. It’s intimidating and exciting to venture into a new pacing — more dialogue than inner monologue.

So, yeah. That’s where I am. Sleep deprived and throwing words at the page like paint at a canvas. I’m hoping some of it sticks.

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Have you ever struggled with executive dysfunction?
Did you have to quit something to fix it? How did you handle it?