Welcome to:
Morgan’s Query Corner:
Fresh eyes for your query quandaries.
ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE is a Women’s Fiction novel about several generations of women in a single family – unlucky-in-love and dealing with the consequences.
NOTE: If you submit your query to me (morgan.s.hazelwood@gmail.com), and you are selected for inclusion, I will give you a high-level review, in-line feedback, and my own draft of your query. If this is your query, feel free to use or ignore as much of the advice and suggestions as you wish.
[Disclaimer: Any query selected for the page will be posted on this website for perpetuity. I am an amateur with no actual accepted queries and a good number of form rejections. This does not guarantee an agent or even an amazing query, just a new take by someone who’s read The Query Shark archives twice and enjoys playing with queries.]
Overall Impression:
ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE sounds like a solid generational women’s fiction novel. I’m curious about what choices the main characters make and what the consequences are. My suggestions:
- For multiple points of view, make sure each main character has a distinct voice. (Pick no more than 3)
- Avoid cliche phrasing–instead, be specific when detailing decisions.
- List your awards if you have them – but if you have many, make sure to cull to only the ones that would be broadly recognizable. (This queryist did so)
- Personally, if I don’t have a personal connection to the agent, I don’t try and stretch for one, or state the obvious (i.e. My genre is on your wish list) and just skip that portion. But some agents really do like it, so that part is up to your discretion.
Queryist’s Original:
Dear Ms. AGENT,
On her wedding night, Annabelle beds a stranger. Not every bride feels beautiful. Unloved and ignored at her own wedding, Annabelle succumbs to the attention of an attractive older man. The next morning, her apologetic new husband explains he stupidly mixed booze and Benadryl. Now, Annabelle must decide to confess her own indiscretion or forever hold her peace.
Maybe she should have expected this. Annabelle hails from a long line of women saddled with bad circumstances and sunk by bad choices. Annabelle’s grandmother, pregnant at seventeen, married her domineering high school boyfriend, but ultimately fell in love with his younger brother, who fathered her second child. Annabelle’s mom struggles with manic depression but fights every day to be strong for her children and her marriage. And Annabelle’s aunt always chooses the man most likely to break her heart, until she finally picks the man who ruptures it, when he dies much too young.
Annabelle may have inherited bad relationship karma, but if she can learn lessons from the strong, but flawed women she loves, she may be able to alter fate and find happiness.
ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE is contemporary Women’s Fiction complete at 74,000 words. The story unfolds via multiple POVs.
Ms. Hazelwood, because you are willing to help with queries, I hope you will find this work a good fit.
My debut novel, TITLE, was published in MONTH YEAR by PUBLISHER. It was positively reviewed on PLACE and PLACE. I’ve had essays published by NEWSPAPER, WEBSITE, and WEBSITE. My novella, TITLE2, won the AWARD award in YEAR.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Q20
Before I even said anything, the queryist had second thoughts and revamped their query for me. The second attempt was paired down quite a bit, but detailed out too much.
The Queryist’s 2nd Attempt:
…
Lucy Gaines, a young mother, lives alone with her daughter while her husband recovers in the hospital from a manic-depressive episode. Isolated and frightened, she finds solace, stability, and love in the arms of her husband’s younger brother, Larry. The day she discovers she’s pregnant with Larry’s child is the day she learns her husband is coming home.
If she chooses loving Larry, the only true happiness she’s ever known, she could destroy her entire family and her husband’s fragile grasp on health. But if she stays with her husband and raises the child as his, she risks a web of lies that could haunt them all.
Years later, when Lucy’s granddaughter beds a stranger on her wedding night, it may be the bad relationship karma that Lucy sowed. Now the bride must determine why she made her crazy wedding-night choice and if she has the wherewithal to fight for her marriage.
…
My Revision:
Dear AGENT,
Lucy Gaines, a young mother, lives alone with her daughter while her husband recovers in the hospital from a manic-depressive episode. Isolated and frightened, she finds solace, stability, and love in the arms of her husband’s younger brother, Larry. The day she discovers she’s pregnant with Larry’s child is the day she learns her husband is coming home.
Years later, unloved and ignored at her own wedding, Lucy’s granddaughter Annabelle succumbs to the attention of an attractive older man. The next morning, her apologetic new husband explains he stupidly mixed booze and Benadryl. Now, Annabelle must decide to confess her own indiscretion or forever hold her peace.
Lucy’s family may have inherited her bad relationship karma, but if Annabelle can learn lessons from the strong, but flawed women she loves, she may be able to alter fate and find her own happiness.
ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE is contemporary Women’s Fiction complete at 74,000 words. The story unfolds via multiple POVs. Ms. Hazelwood, because you’re willing to help with queries, I hope you will find this work a good fit.
My debut novel, TITLE, was published in MONTH YEAR by PUBLISHER. It was positively reviewed on PLACE and PLACE. I’ve had essays published by NEWSPAPER, WEBSITE, and WEBSITE. My novella, TITLE2, won the AWARD award in YEAR.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Q30
The queryist was excited and we went a few rounds until we ended up with a query they were happy with.
The Final Query:
Dear AGENT,
When Lucy’s husband was committed to a mental hospital, she never expected to fall for his younger brother. But during those long, lonely months when her husband is away, Larry becomes first her handyman, then her best friend, and then more. The day Lucy discovers she’s pregnant with Larry’s child is the day she learns her husband is coming home. Lucy must choose between raising her daughter with the man she loves or rebuilding her life with the man she pledged to love a decade ago.
Forty years later, Lucy’s granddaughter, Annabelle makes her own reckless choice. Neglected by her inebriated husband on their wedding night, Annabelle succumbs to the attentions of an attractive older man. When her new husband apologizes the next morning, Annabelle must decide if she should confess her own indiscretion, abandon her hours-old vow or forever hold her peace.
Lucy, Annabelle, and the other women in the family may share the DNA of bad relationship karma, but their family bonds could prove to be the strength each needs to alter their fates and find lasting happiness.
ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE is contemporary Women’s Fiction complete at 74,000 words. The story unfolds via multiple POVs.
My debut novel, TITLE, was published in MONTH YEAR by PUBLISHER. It was positively reviewed on PLACE and PLACE. I’ve had essays published by NEWSPAPER, WEBSITE, and WEBSITE. My novella, TITLE2, won the AWARD award in YEAR.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Q30
And for the rest of you out there?
Best of luck in the query trenches!
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